What-? [Viktor's head snapped up in a sudden turn, looking straight at Jayce with something between exhaustion and indignation. The dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced than ever, an irritated scowl worn into the lines on his face.]
Then the same thing would have happened that will happen regardless. You can not just--Jayce, you are one of the only people in that room that gives a damn about anything other than themselves. If you walk away from that, nothing is ever going to improve.
I could pass our thoughts onto Councilor Medarda and she can implement them. It's taking me away from the lab, it's taking me away from you. I could still do good, just -- from a distance.
[But the expression on Viktor's face causes him an almost physical pain, and he scrubs his hands over his face. When he speaks again, he sounds small. Tired.] If it means that much to you...
...Really? We are pretending you two do not make starry eyes at each other whenever you are in a room together? I saw the two of you do as much the night we met, for Janna's sake.
She's... [Another sigh. He'd been concerned that Viktor might be angry with him. That he knew somehow where he was that night that he collapsed, and the idea of it upset him.]
She's intelligent, and attractive. I can't deny that. But she's a friend, that's all. What I have with you means more than all that.
[He was angry, of course, but not about that. Those circumstances were out of anyone's control; it didn't matter where Jayce had been or what he had been doing, in Viktor's own mind. There was no reason to fault him for that.]
[What he could fault was this absolute stupidity. Quitting the Council over something like this, when staying could present opportunities to affect real and significant change? Absurd.]
There is no reason to defend yourself, Jayce. I am saying you will be better off staying where you are. At least then you will have some kind of purpose to focus on rather than an empty lab to return to in the future.
[He pulls away, standing and pacing over to the window instead. He's thrumming with anxious energy and needs to move somehow.]
I wish you would stop talking like you're going to drop dead tomorrow. Janna's mercy, Viktor, just because you've accepted your death doesn't mean I have!
That's not fair to either of us, Viktor. Or to her, honestly. There is -- a mutual physical attraction, sure. But that's not where my heart lies. It wouldn't feel right to lean on her like that, knowing I don't feel the way she might want me to.
Viktor I swear sometimes you are so stubborn -- [In three long strides he's across the room and cupping his hands over either side of Viktor's face to draw him up into a heated, bordering on desperate kiss]
What are y- [That was all he managed to get out except for the abrupt gasp of surprise that was swiftly interrupted, gold eyes wide with shock as Viktor's mind raced with something like panic--we can't, he can't do this, what is he thinking, this is just going to hurt him--before going abruptly blank.]
[Because of course he wanted this, no matter how terrible an idea. No matter how much it was going to hurt the one person who mattered, selfish as Viktor was he still wanted it. He needed this warmth and contact now more than ever--thin and trembling fingers twisting in Jayce's collar, a soft and desperate whine vibrating in the back of his throat. Please. Please don't leave me alone.]
[One knee goes to the sofa cushion so he can support himself without taking his hands off of Viktor, and he needs to be closer right now. He should have done this ages ago. He should have done this while they were floating that night, and every night since.
There's a moment of worry, of doubt, but then Viktor is pulling him close and oh sweet mercy that noise. Even if this doesn't go beyond today, at least he'll have that noise and the feeling of Viktor's mouth against his to remember.]
Jayce- [Barely louder than a whisper, soft and insistent against his partner's mouth as Viktor tried as hard as he could to formulate an argument. Or any real coherent thought at all, half-lidded eyes trying to keep some semblance of focus.] -you shouldn't-...I-...
[Logic was desperately trying to get desire in a headlock and stop this before it started, with limited success judging by how any objection faltered in quietly shuddering breaths.]
Maybe not. [He can feel Viktor's breath against his mouth, and he decides then and there that this is worth everything. He strokes the backs of his fingers over his partner's cheek, pulling away only a little to try and judge his expression. Seeking answers that don't quite have questions.]
But this is what I meant. This is where my affection lies. Here, with you.
With all due respect, Viktor? Fuck "can". [He laughs, a little breathless, a little giddy, and tucks a wayward piece of hair behind Viktor's ear.] I want to do this.
[Viktor couldn't bring himself to look up, because he knew he'd give in the second he did. Eyes closed and mouth pressed into a thin, trembling line, when he finally spoke it was in quiet words on the brink of shattering like glass.]
Please. Do not do this to yourself. You can do so much better than...than something broken- [His voice cracked under what felt like the pressure of everything collapsing in on him, Viktor pressing a hand to his mouth as if trying to silence it.]
Viktor... [He says the name like it's a treasure, like it's something as precious to him as one of his crystals. Slowly, he moves to sit next to Viktor again, taking his hand and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.]
You might be -- [Dying, he can't quite say.] You might be sick, but I don't think you're broken. Not to me, anyway.
I didn't leave your side the whole time you were in the hospital, Viktor, and I don't plan on doing so now. [He occupies his nervous energy by toying with Viktor's fingers. The ones he's watched so many times, gesturing while he talks.]
Why don't we do it this way. I had planned on staying a few days until you feel more ready to be back in the lab. The doctor suggested at least another two or three days of rest, anyway.
If, by the end of that, I discover this isn't what I want, I'll make my decision then. That's a more scientific approach, don't you think? [It's a little needling, and it's said with a slightly wry smile.]
Well I'm glad you wouldn't hate my company. [He nudges his shoulder against Viktor's teasingly.] Besides, who else could bring you my mom's sopita de estrellitas? It's um -- it's like a tomato soup with little star shaped noodles.
She makes it for me whenever I'm not feeling well. Says it can cure anything.
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Then the same thing would have happened that will happen regardless. You can not just--Jayce, you are one of the only people in that room that gives a damn about anything other than themselves. If you walk away from that, nothing is ever going to improve.
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[But the expression on Viktor's face causes him an almost physical pain, and he scrubs his hands over his face. When he speaks again, he sounds small. Tired.] If it means that much to you...
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[His voice hitched unpleasantly in his throat, and Viktor looked away again with a faint scowl.]
...you...you should stay. With her, with the Council. I will not have you risk everything over something temporary.
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She's intelligent, and attractive. I can't deny that. But she's a friend, that's all. What I have with you means more than all that.
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[What he could fault was this absolute stupidity. Quitting the Council over something like this, when staying could present opportunities to affect real and significant change? Absurd.]
There is no reason to defend yourself, Jayce. I am saying you will be better off staying where you are. At least then you will have some kind of purpose to focus on rather than an empty lab to return to in the future.
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I wish you would stop talking like you're going to drop dead tomorrow. Janna's mercy, Viktor, just because you've accepted your death doesn't mean I have!
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Is it so objectionable that I want to know you will not be left alone if and when the worst should happen?
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[Because of course he wanted this, no matter how terrible an idea. No matter how much it was going to hurt the one person who mattered, selfish as Viktor was he still wanted it. He needed this warmth and contact now more than ever--thin and trembling fingers twisting in Jayce's collar, a soft and desperate whine vibrating in the back of his throat. Please. Please don't leave me alone.]
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There's a moment of worry, of doubt, but then Viktor is pulling him close and oh sweet mercy that noise. Even if this doesn't go beyond today, at least he'll have that noise and the feeling of Viktor's mouth against his to remember.]
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[Logic was desperately trying to get desire in a headlock and stop this before it started, with limited success judging by how any objection faltered in quietly shuddering breaths.]
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But this is what I meant. This is where my affection lies. Here, with you.
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[Slowly, Viktor forced himself to let go of Jayce's collar; turning his head and lowering his eyes rather than look at him.]
I can not let you do this. For your own sake, just stop this now before one of us does something you will regret later.
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I'd regret it more if we didn't try.
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[Viktor couldn't bring himself to look up, because he knew he'd give in the second he did. Eyes closed and mouth pressed into a thin, trembling line, when he finally spoke it was in quiet words on the brink of shattering like glass.]
Please. Do not do this to yourself. You can do so much better than...than something broken- [His voice cracked under what felt like the pressure of everything collapsing in on him, Viktor pressing a hand to his mouth as if trying to silence it.]
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You might be -- [Dying, he can't quite say.] You might be sick, but I don't think you're broken. Not to me, anyway.
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You can not possibly truly want this.
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Why don't we do it this way. I had planned on staying a few days until you feel more ready to be back in the lab. The doctor suggested at least another two or three days of rest, anyway.
If, by the end of that, I discover this isn't what I want, I'll make my decision then. That's a more scientific approach, don't you think? [It's a little needling, and it's said with a slightly wry smile.]
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...fine. Fine. I...would not hate the company, at least. If you want to stay that badly, I will not stop you.
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She makes it for me whenever I'm not feeling well. Says it can cure anything.
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That...does sound nice, actually.
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