[Viktor had gotten used to seeing with clarity what he already knew to be the case; a miserably failing frame barely held together, constantly betraying its own functions. But because he was so used to it, the reality no longer registered as something to worry about more than necessary. Nothing had changed, he was still alive--that was enough. The subsequent pain, he was more than used to living with.]
[Hesitantly, he reached out with the hand not on his crutch to take Jayce's own; uncertain and plainly confused about the reaction.]
I just never really could picture it in my head. What was going on underneath everything. I got a glimpse after the explosion, but I never --
Janna's mercy, Viktor. [His shoulders sag with the weight of his sigh and he slides his fingers between Viktor's to try and hold more of his hand]
This is what it's been like the whole time? And I never saw -- [He cuts himself off, because this is an argument they've had before. Viktor didn't want him to see.]
... [He let their hands settle into place together, squeezing lightly.]
'The whole time' is a bit of an overstatement. It's worsened over the past few years, but such was to be expected. Most with similar conditions degenerate faster still.
So you're lucky, is what you're saying. To only have gotten to this point. [He's trying to focus on his breathing, on the cool touch of Viktor's palm against his.]
The numbers aren't... good. But they're not getting worse, right now. [He's more talking to himself than to Viktor. Trying to solidify those facts into his brain.]
That's exactly what I'm saying, yes. [Spoken in that simple matter-of-fact tone that was so incredibly Viktor even in the face of everything this was.]
Even a literal miracle was not going to make me anything resembling healthy. But apparently, it can do the next best thing.
It's just not something I'd ever considered. I'd never thought of you as unhealthy. You've always just been... you. The most brilliant mind and generous soul I've ever met.
[He wasn't quite sure how to answer something that legitimately touching, settling on gently squeezing Jayce's hand again in the silence that followed.]
I know, Jayce. But you might be the only person that has ever seen me like that.
Can you believe me when I say that how others see you doesn't matter to me? All I care about, all I've ever cared about, is who you are when you're with me.
I...don't know. Not because I think you are being dishonest--I know that is not the case. But more that I do not see the same value as you. The person you describe may be impossible to extricate from the miserable state of everything about me.
[His voice was as calm as ever, the only sign of frustration in the white-knuckled grip on the handle of his crutch.]
I can not find worth in something broken the way that you can.
I can tell you every day, if that's what it takes. Fifty -- a hundred times a day, until you start to believe how wonderful you are.
[He presses a kiss to Viktor's temple, then stays there, nosing at his hair. Inhaling his scent and letting that ground him further.] You don't have to love yourself. I can love you enough for the both of us.
[Viktor faltered, nervously pulling his hand away and holding it close to his chest.]
I can not just...fix anything that is wrong with me, lásko--you say my best chance at trying caused far more damage than I am willing to risk, and I hate that. The only alternative is to be this wretched, damaged thing for however long my luck here should hold out, and...that isn't good enough.
That was your best chance on Runeterra, but maybe there are other chances here. Different opportunities, different kinds of magic and technology available. We could start your research fresh.
You're not. You're allowed to be scared. I just -- [He chews at his lip, frustrated at his own helplessness. His inability to fix this for the man who has his whole heart and soul.]
Tell me what you need from me, and I'll do it. Anything at all.
I am not scared- [and this was just as convincing as every other vanishingly rare lie he'd told] -only irritated that I do not know how to answer that. There is no way to fix this, at least not in the present moment.
[Viktor stepped closer again, leaning his forehead against Jayce's shoulder.]
So am I. Not with you, but with my inability to help or fix any of this. I can't make something in my forge or pull something out of the runes. I wish there were.
[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Viktor, letting him lean.] But I'm not going to stop trying.
I am not accustomed to relying on someone other than myself. Not to this extent, and I find it...frustrating. [Hesitantly, he brought an arm around his partner's waist.]
I am not everything you seem to think I am--I'm weak and painfully selfish. Even knowing that, you would still want to continue with all of this?
I--you aren't serious. [Viktor pulled away slightly, disbelief clear on his face.] I was going to put myself at risk just on the chance it would buy a little time. What about our work, our ideals, everything we aspired to do together? What kind of person prioritizes their own life over something like that?
... [Viktor tilted his head into that hand as if on autopilot, eyes tired and distant.]
I have always wanted far too many things beyond my reach. It seems...unfair, to continue chasing such things when there were more productive things to accomplish.
I think we're starting to go in circles. [And he hates that distant look on Viktor's face. It makes him think of Salo, of those odd eyes Viktor had when he emerged from the hexcore cocoon.
He cups his hand over Viktor's cheek and rests their foreheads together.] I forgive you for the risks you took. And I love you for living in spite of them.
...maybe so. [But he did relax under the affectionate touches, just slightly.] I'm...sorry I apparently didn't tell you what I was doing. And for making you worry so much now--I'm alright, I feel as close to 'fine' as I can get, I promise you that.
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[Viktor had gotten used to seeing with clarity what he already knew to be the case; a miserably failing frame barely held together, constantly betraying its own functions. But because he was so used to it, the reality no longer registered as something to worry about more than necessary. Nothing had changed, he was still alive--that was enough. The subsequent pain, he was more than used to living with.]
[Hesitantly, he reached out with the hand not on his crutch to take Jayce's own; uncertain and plainly confused about the reaction.]
What's wrong?
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Janna's mercy, Viktor. [His shoulders sag with the weight of his sigh and he slides his fingers between Viktor's to try and hold more of his hand]
This is what it's been like the whole time? And I never saw -- [He cuts himself off, because this is an argument they've had before. Viktor didn't want him to see.]
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'The whole time' is a bit of an overstatement. It's worsened over the past few years, but such was to be expected. Most with similar conditions degenerate faster still.
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The numbers aren't... good. But they're not getting worse, right now. [He's more talking to himself than to Viktor. Trying to solidify those facts into his brain.]
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Even a literal miracle was not going to make me anything resembling healthy. But apparently, it can do the next best thing.
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[He wasn't quite sure how to answer something that legitimately touching, settling on gently squeezing Jayce's hand again in the silence that followed.]
I know, Jayce. But you might be the only person that has ever seen me like that.
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[His voice was as calm as ever, the only sign of frustration in the white-knuckled grip on the handle of his crutch.]
I can not find worth in something broken the way that you can.
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[He presses a kiss to Viktor's temple, then stays there, nosing at his hair. Inhaling his scent and letting that ground him further.] You don't have to love yourself. I can love you enough for the both of us.
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...I can't stand this. Even if such stability is reassuring, it is not enough. I'm not enough, not like this.
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He leans back just a little, afraid now that he's pushed too hard.]
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[Viktor faltered, nervously pulling his hand away and holding it close to his chest.]
I can not just...fix anything that is wrong with me, lásko--you say my best chance at trying caused far more damage than I am willing to risk, and I hate that. The only alternative is to be this wretched, damaged thing for however long my luck here should hold out, and...that isn't good enough.
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[What if there isn't? What if anything I try just ends up hurting someone else?]
[Viktor pressed a hand to his eyes, trying to forcibly pull himself back together.]
--no, I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous, of course you're right.
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Tell me what you need from me, and I'll do it. Anything at all.
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[Viktor stepped closer again, leaning his forehead against Jayce's shoulder.]
I am just...tired.
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[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Viktor, letting him lean.] But I'm not going to stop trying.
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I am not everything you seem to think I am--I'm weak and painfully selfish. Even knowing that, you would still want to continue with all of this?
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Have you not considered that our work couldn't continue if you're not here to do it? Of course you would take that risk.
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I have always wanted far too many things beyond my reach. It seems...unfair, to continue chasing such things when there were more productive things to accomplish.
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He cups his hand over Viktor's cheek and rests their foreheads together.] I forgive you for the risks you took. And I love you for living in spite of them.
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