I...don't know. Not because I think you are being dishonest--I know that is not the case. But more that I do not see the same value as you. The person you describe may be impossible to extricate from the miserable state of everything about me.
[His voice was as calm as ever, the only sign of frustration in the white-knuckled grip on the handle of his crutch.]
I can not find worth in something broken the way that you can.
I can tell you every day, if that's what it takes. Fifty -- a hundred times a day, until you start to believe how wonderful you are.
[He presses a kiss to Viktor's temple, then stays there, nosing at his hair. Inhaling his scent and letting that ground him further.] You don't have to love yourself. I can love you enough for the both of us.
[Viktor faltered, nervously pulling his hand away and holding it close to his chest.]
I can not just...fix anything that is wrong with me, lásko--you say my best chance at trying caused far more damage than I am willing to risk, and I hate that. The only alternative is to be this wretched, damaged thing for however long my luck here should hold out, and...that isn't good enough.
That was your best chance on Runeterra, but maybe there are other chances here. Different opportunities, different kinds of magic and technology available. We could start your research fresh.
You're not. You're allowed to be scared. I just -- [He chews at his lip, frustrated at his own helplessness. His inability to fix this for the man who has his whole heart and soul.]
Tell me what you need from me, and I'll do it. Anything at all.
I am not scared- [and this was just as convincing as every other vanishingly rare lie he'd told] -only irritated that I do not know how to answer that. There is no way to fix this, at least not in the present moment.
[Viktor stepped closer again, leaning his forehead against Jayce's shoulder.]
So am I. Not with you, but with my inability to help or fix any of this. I can't make something in my forge or pull something out of the runes. I wish there were.
[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Viktor, letting him lean.] But I'm not going to stop trying.
I am not accustomed to relying on someone other than myself. Not to this extent, and I find it...frustrating. [Hesitantly, he brought an arm around his partner's waist.]
I am not everything you seem to think I am--I'm weak and painfully selfish. Even knowing that, you would still want to continue with all of this?
I--you aren't serious. [Viktor pulled away slightly, disbelief clear on his face.] I was going to put myself at risk just on the chance it would buy a little time. What about our work, our ideals, everything we aspired to do together? What kind of person prioritizes their own life over something like that?
... [Viktor tilted his head into that hand as if on autopilot, eyes tired and distant.]
I have always wanted far too many things beyond my reach. It seems...unfair, to continue chasing such things when there were more productive things to accomplish.
I think we're starting to go in circles. [And he hates that distant look on Viktor's face. It makes him think of Salo, of those odd eyes Viktor had when he emerged from the hexcore cocoon.
He cups his hand over Viktor's cheek and rests their foreheads together.] I forgive you for the risks you took. And I love you for living in spite of them.
...maybe so. [But he did relax under the affectionate touches, just slightly.] I'm...sorry I apparently didn't tell you what I was doing. And for making you worry so much now--I'm alright, I feel as close to 'fine' as I can get, I promise you that.
And that does help. It really does, knowing that you're stable. Seeing the numbers for myself. [His thumb strokes gently over Viktor's cheek and he nudges their noses together with a quiet, tired sigh.]
I don't think anything can stop me worrying about you, Viktor. Even if you were somehow healed tomorrow, I'd still worry.
For someone so brilliant, you can be painfully foolish. [Steadying himself to something a little calmer, Viktor tilted his head for the lightest brush of a kiss in response.]
You forgive me for loving you? [He laughs softly and strokes his thumb over Viktor's cheekbone, nudging their noses together.] I'm glad for that. Not sure what I'd do, if I wasn't allowed to love you.
Say it back. [He's laughing, nipping at Viktor's nose, then his ear, tweaking his chin teasingly.] Say it back because I know where you're most ticklish and I'll use that knowledge for evil if you don't.
You would torment someone who just left the hospital? [Despite that, he was just barely holding back a laugh under the attention.] How unthinkably cruel, Jayce. I had no idea the love of my life was so terrible.
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[His voice was as calm as ever, the only sign of frustration in the white-knuckled grip on the handle of his crutch.]
I can not find worth in something broken the way that you can.
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[He presses a kiss to Viktor's temple, then stays there, nosing at his hair. Inhaling his scent and letting that ground him further.] You don't have to love yourself. I can love you enough for the both of us.
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...I can't stand this. Even if such stability is reassuring, it is not enough. I'm not enough, not like this.
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He leans back just a little, afraid now that he's pushed too hard.]
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[Viktor faltered, nervously pulling his hand away and holding it close to his chest.]
I can not just...fix anything that is wrong with me, lásko--you say my best chance at trying caused far more damage than I am willing to risk, and I hate that. The only alternative is to be this wretched, damaged thing for however long my luck here should hold out, and...that isn't good enough.
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[What if there isn't? What if anything I try just ends up hurting someone else?]
[Viktor pressed a hand to his eyes, trying to forcibly pull himself back together.]
--no, I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous, of course you're right.
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Tell me what you need from me, and I'll do it. Anything at all.
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[Viktor stepped closer again, leaning his forehead against Jayce's shoulder.]
I am just...tired.
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[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Viktor, letting him lean.] But I'm not going to stop trying.
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I am not everything you seem to think I am--I'm weak and painfully selfish. Even knowing that, you would still want to continue with all of this?
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Have you not considered that our work couldn't continue if you're not here to do it? Of course you would take that risk.
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I have always wanted far too many things beyond my reach. It seems...unfair, to continue chasing such things when there were more productive things to accomplish.
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He cups his hand over Viktor's cheek and rests their foreheads together.] I forgive you for the risks you took. And I love you for living in spite of them.
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I don't think anything can stop me worrying about you, Viktor. Even if you were somehow healed tomorrow, I'd still worry.
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