I uh -- [He slots his fingers between Viktor's to grip it more tightly.] I found you. At your lookout spot. The same way you found me the first day we met.
[He hopes the implication is enough for Viktor to understand what he means, so Jayce can escape the hardship of having to say it out loud.]
I got there in time, that's what matters. And we talked, about our work. About the Hexcore. You made me promise to destroy it. You were worried you wouldn't have the strength to, and so I swore to you I would.
But I didn't. Because right after that came the attack on the Council room. And you -- I had to save you, Viktor. [His mouth trembles and tears roll down his cheeks. This time, he doesn't bother stopping them.]
...Jayce. [Viktor sighed in equal parts exasperation and exhaustion, carefully wrapping thin arms around his partner's neck to pull him closer.]
I can see where I would be angry about that. Maybe I am, I...do not know what I think, right now. [The shape of something utterly unthinkable to the point of enraging was there, certainly. But at the same time...Viktor was, in his own mind, deeply selfish. Selfish enough to want to live when he didn't deserve to.]
But this, you do not have to justify. Not right now.
[Jayce allows the embrace, though he doesn't feel he deserves it. Wraps his arms around Viktor's waist and tucks in against his neck. Hiding in the familiar scent of him to try and ignore the guilt gnawing at him.]
I was scared, Viktor. Not just of losing you, but of -- everything. The attack came after you and I proposed a peace treaty with Zaun, and the Council -- after what happened, they were out for blood, and I was so so lost.
So while you were healing, I worked. I drew up blueprints of new tech to try to -- I don't know. Protect the city. Protect us. And Janna's mercy, when you saw what I had done -- the disappointment in your eyes before you left --
[Another choked noise, and a sob that shakes his whole body.]
[It took a lot of conscious effort not to pull back solely to fix Jayce with that exact look of disappointment that lanced through Viktor's head like a shard of ice. He bit his tongue immediately against weapons, Jayce, what in Janna's name is wrong with you-]
[He'd gone a little too still again, but that was the only thing betraying the sudden wave of disgust clashing with a thousand other things he was feeling at the moment. it wouldn't help, he consciously told himself, to start lecturing Jayce on something he was clearly hating himself about enough.]
...And you realize- [he started in a voice that was tense with several emotions but still careful in its admonishment] -why I would react as such, yes? Your actions with the Hexcore, I believe I could forgive--arming Piltover against my hometown is a bit more fraught of an issue.
I know, I know -- [Jayce is the one to pull away, disgusted with himself, still, for what he'd done. Furious that he let it get that far, that he let himself be so lost that he started designing weapons.
He stands and paces, ignoring the dull throb in his leg.] I was foolish. I wasn't thinking of it as your home, I -- they were pushing me, Viktor. They wanted me to use hextech in their war and I... I was so weak. I tried to push back at first, but I folded.
Jayce, wait- [He stood up with a wince, ignoring the pain that shot straight up his leg through his back in favor of catching his partner's hand to try to stop him pacing.] Look at me, focus and take a breath. Yes, I am upset, but...there is nothing to be gained in laboring over a point you have clearly been berating yourself over more than I ever could. As long as one understands a mistake, they can work to be certain not to repeat it.
...I'm sorry I was not there, even if that was out of my control.
[He allows it, stilling in his pacing but not turning back. Not yet. The remorse, the seething anger he feels towards himself still too strong.] There was a second attack. [His free hand goes to his shoulder, rubbing at the place where he can still feel the bite of the chembaron's chainsaw. The scar that curves over his shoulder there.] One of the chembarons. Of course this was used as proof that the Council was right in their decision to weaponize hextech.
I felt so lost without you, Viktor. Directionless. They gave me a direction, and I took it, knowing it was the wrong one.
[He let go of Jayce's hand in favor of leaning against that same scar, arms looping around him from behind as Viktor pressed his forehead against a spot high on his back.]
I promised you I would not go anywhere even if you managed to make me incandescently furious. And while I am certainly not to that point yet, I am still with you. Someone has to be here to remind you that you are the most idiotic genius I know, yes?
...I'm sorry, and I forgive you. So...please. Try to start forgiving yourself, just a little.
[This, too, he allows. The gently caring embrace that Viktor wraps him in. That Zaunite expression of affection, at least in part, against his shoulder. Jayce sighs again, and rests his hand over Viktor's where it sits against his chest.]
I can try. Because you want me to. But at least now you can realize why I hold you so close every night. That image of you walking out the door keeps playing in my head, and I would rather die than see that happen again.
...we have both been very stupid, haven't we? Or--will be, I do not know anymore. I am not going to blame you for one thing and act like I have not done similar or worse. Even if we failed in our every endeavor to help people...how could I walk out now, on the one who needs my help more than any other?
[Viktor squeezed a little tighter against the tremble in his voice; he'd never cried where others could see him before, and he was not about to start now.]
I am just as much to blame in this. I should have pushed back harder before they turned you into something you are not. But I was afraid as well, I think--afraid to jeopardize everything we worked towards by allowing Piltover to judge me as everything they reviled. I let myself think you enjoyed the publicity while I hid in your shadow, and if I had not been such a coward-...
[His voice cracked perilously, hitching before continuing a little more quietly.]
We can carry this together. As we should have carried everything else long before coming to this point. Please, Jayce--I will not push you to speak on anything further unless you want to. So sit down with me before one of us hurts ourselves.
Edited (wait i thought of something better) 2025-09-24 15:55 (UTC)
Time is a confusing enough concept without adding differences in timelines to it. [There's a small chuffed laugh there, and he turns to return the embrace properly.] We failed for a while. But in the end, we managed to help others like we wanted, and we did it together. I think we can do the same here. [Though hopefully without an impending apocalypse, this time]
I was afraid, too, for the same reasons. That if I didn't push myself, if I didn't fully commit to being the face of Hextech, we'd lose everything. I was a coward too, just a little differently.
But -- you're right. We've both been on our feet a while, we should sit.
I'm still-...upset, I will not pretend otherwise. But I am not going to hold it against you when you have obviously done enough of that yourself. Whatever else has happened, however things ended...it can wait. And I promise you, it will not change anything. We can still improve this world together, of that I am sure.
[Terrible as it probably was, Viktor was confident enough that would be the truth.]
Thank you for telling me, Jayce. Now, come on. [Pulling back enough to gently tug on his hand, still very aware he couldn't pull Jayce anywhere if he tried.]
You're allowed. I would be surprised if you weren't upset with me. But as long as you stay, that's what I care about.
[The moment they sit, Jayce is carefully pulling Viktor towards him. Close enough to be in Jayce's lap, if he wanted to be. Needing him as close as possible.] There's more. And it gets worse. But for tonight, that's enough.
I won't leave you. [Pausing as if to consider what he was willing to allow right now, Viktor sighed quietly before settling himself in Jayce's lap. Leaning into his shoulder, carding a thin reassuring hand through his hair. Letting himself be pulled close because...despite how much he wanted to turn and run from matters that couldn't be solved through reason and objectivity, he'd made a promise. Not only that, but he may have needed this as badly as Jayce right now.]
I may be upset now, and I surely will be later if the rest only proves to be worse. But gods, Jayce, do you think you mean so little to me that betraying what we stand for would ever make a difference?
[Even if he didn't know it yet, even at his worst and furthest gone, Viktor had forgiven Jayce again and again. The only difference now was that he had sanity enough to be angry about it.]
Even if you are the most idiotic genius on all Runeterra, you are still my partner.
[His laugh is a little rough, a little bit choked with unshed tears, but Viktor is in his lap and Jayce is holding him tight, and for now that's all he needs. Even if it all goes up in flames later, he can still have this moment.]
I should have fought harder then. I'll keep fighting for you, now that I know I have you. That we have each other, no matter what happens.
I think between us, and with the help of your friend, we can do great things here.
We both should have, do not shoulder the blame on your own. It will be alright, even if it should be difficult in getting there. We can try a little harder this time to support each other where we both need it. [He leaned his forehead against Jayce's, continuing to stroke his hair in an attempt at comfort.]
It will be good for both of us, I think, to work without so much external pressure. No Council to answer to, no investors to seek funding from--just you and I, working to help others.
It's what we've always wanted to do. [He leans happily into that touch, that bit of Zaunite affection, and squeezes Viktor all the tighter for it.]
It's what we should have been doing, but like you said -- gods, there were so many distractions. Having to fight someone every step of the way. I hope we don't have to struggle against that here, again.
I do not think we will. There is no such structure to this world as far as I can tell, and therefore the only people to decide what we will accomplish are ourselves.
[Viktor closed the small distance between them, punctuating that low and gentle assurance with a slow, lingering kiss.]
...we'll start over. All of it, from the beginning--we can do better this time.
[The noise he makes is the slightest bit surprised, but it soon melts into something content. Soft and pleased as he leans back against the couch, relaxing into it. After a moment, he tugs at Viktor's hip a little.] Turn? So you're not twisting. I need you closer.
[He didn't have to ask twice, Viktor shifting his position with a slight wince as he readjusted--straddling Jayce's lap, arms loosely wrapped around his neck.]
[And Jayce beams up at him in return, his eyes bright and his smile absolutely stupidly adoring. He sweeps his palms up Viktor's back, pressing a kiss to his chin, then to the freckle at the corner of his mouth.]
I don't tell you enough how pretty you are, Viktor. Mercy, you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He hopes the implication is enough for Viktor to understand what he means, so Jayce can escape the hardship of having to say it out loud.]
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[Tired and resigned as he answered, gently sueezing Jayce's hand.]
I'm...sorry.
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But I didn't. Because right after that came the attack on the Council room. And you -- I had to save you, Viktor. [His mouth trembles and tears roll down his cheeks. This time, he doesn't bother stopping them.]
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I can see where I would be angry about that. Maybe I am, I...do not know what I think, right now. [The shape of something utterly unthinkable to the point of enraging was there, certainly. But at the same time...Viktor was, in his own mind, deeply selfish. Selfish enough to want to live when he didn't deserve to.]
But this, you do not have to justify. Not right now.
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I was scared, Viktor. Not just of losing you, but of -- everything. The attack came after you and I proposed a peace treaty with Zaun, and the Council -- after what happened, they were out for blood, and I was so so lost.
So while you were healing, I worked. I drew up blueprints of new tech to try to -- I don't know. Protect the city. Protect us. And Janna's mercy, when you saw what I had done -- the disappointment in your eyes before you left --
[Another choked noise, and a sob that shakes his whole body.]
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[It took a lot of conscious effort not to pull back solely to fix Jayce with that exact look of disappointment that lanced through Viktor's head like a shard of ice. He bit his tongue immediately against weapons, Jayce, what in Janna's name is wrong with you-]
[He'd gone a little too still again, but that was the only thing betraying the sudden wave of disgust clashing with a thousand other things he was feeling at the moment. it wouldn't help, he consciously told himself, to start lecturing Jayce on something he was clearly hating himself about enough.]
...And you realize- [he started in a voice that was tense with several emotions but still careful in its admonishment] -why I would react as such, yes? Your actions with the Hexcore, I believe I could forgive--arming Piltover against my hometown is a bit more fraught of an issue.
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He stands and paces, ignoring the dull throb in his leg.] I was foolish. I wasn't thinking of it as your home, I -- they were pushing me, Viktor. They wanted me to use hextech in their war and I... I was so weak. I tried to push back at first, but I folded.
And I'm sorry.
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...I'm sorry I was not there, even if that was out of my control.
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I felt so lost without you, Viktor. Directionless. They gave me a direction, and I took it, knowing it was the wrong one.
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[He let go of Jayce's hand in favor of leaning against that same scar, arms looping around him from behind as Viktor pressed his forehead against a spot high on his back.]
I promised you I would not go anywhere even if you managed to make me incandescently furious. And while I am certainly not to that point yet, I am still with you. Someone has to be here to remind you that you are the most idiotic genius I know, yes?
...I'm sorry, and I forgive you. So...please. Try to start forgiving yourself, just a little.
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I can try. Because you want me to. But at least now you can realize why I hold you so close every night. That image of you walking out the door keeps playing in my head, and I would rather die than see that happen again.
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[Viktor squeezed a little tighter against the tremble in his voice; he'd never cried where others could see him before, and he was not about to start now.]
I am just as much to blame in this. I should have pushed back harder before they turned you into something you are not. But I was afraid as well, I think--afraid to jeopardize everything we worked towards by allowing Piltover to judge me as everything they reviled. I let myself think you enjoyed the publicity while I hid in your shadow, and if I had not been such a coward-...
[His voice cracked perilously, hitching before continuing a little more quietly.]
We can carry this together. As we should have carried everything else long before coming to this point. Please, Jayce--I will not push you to speak on anything further unless you want to. So sit down with me before one of us hurts ourselves.
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I was afraid, too, for the same reasons. That if I didn't push myself, if I didn't fully commit to being the face of Hextech, we'd lose everything. I was a coward too, just a little differently.
But -- you're right. We've both been on our feet a while, we should sit.
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[Terrible as it probably was, Viktor was confident enough that would be the truth.]
Thank you for telling me, Jayce. Now, come on. [Pulling back enough to gently tug on his hand, still very aware he couldn't pull Jayce anywhere if he tried.]
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[The moment they sit, Jayce is carefully pulling Viktor towards him. Close enough to be in Jayce's lap, if he wanted to be. Needing him as close as possible.] There's more. And it gets worse. But for tonight, that's enough.
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I may be upset now, and I surely will be later if the rest only proves to be worse. But gods, Jayce, do you think you mean so little to me that betraying what we stand for would ever make a difference?
[Even if he didn't know it yet, even at his worst and furthest gone, Viktor had forgiven Jayce again and again. The only difference now was that he had sanity enough to be angry about it.]
Even if you are the most idiotic genius on all Runeterra, you are still my partner.
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I should have fought harder then. I'll keep fighting for you, now that I know I have you. That we have each other, no matter what happens.
I think between us, and with the help of your friend, we can do great things here.
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It will be good for both of us, I think, to work without so much external pressure. No Council to answer to, no investors to seek funding from--just you and I, working to help others.
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It's what we should have been doing, but like you said -- gods, there were so many distractions. Having to fight someone every step of the way. I hope we don't have to struggle against that here, again.
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[Viktor closed the small distance between them, punctuating that low and gentle assurance with a slow, lingering kiss.]
...we'll start over. All of it, from the beginning--we can do better this time.
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[Which he did, one hand tangling loosely in Jayce's hair as Viktor leaned in for another kiss. Gods, he might never get tired of this.]
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Better?
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I don't tell you enough how pretty you are, Viktor. Mercy, you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen.
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